I Would Give the Right Arm of My Firstborn Child to See Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

It's very simple, really. Ever since I saw the trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I've been dying to see it. The movie is based on the comic "Scott Pilgrim" by Bryan Lee O'Malley, (which has just jumped to the top of my summer reading list) and looks chock-full of comic book references and over-the-top action scenes, paired with some witty repartee.

The plot, from what I have gleaned, is thus: Scott Pilgrim (played by Michael Cera) falls for this girl named Ramona V. Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), and must defeat her seven evil exes.


Usually, I don't hear about movies until they're already out on dvd (so I'm behind the curve, so what) so the amount of anguish I am currently suffering waiting for the movie to be released is killing me. I've considered putting myself in a coma until August 13th (the release date) just so I wouldn't have to wait another month and a half to see it, but that seems a little extreme. Also, there's a chance I might not come out of the coma in time to see the movie.

Why am I so obsessed, you may ask? It's simple. I'll make a list for you so it's easy to follow along.

1. The crazy nerd style. You may not know this, but I was a bit of an anime/manga nerd for some time, and from what I've seen, this movie draws heavy inspiration from that. Also, there's some great video game references, another nerd passion of mine. The trailer says "It's on like Donkey Kong." You better believe the people who made this movie are cool.
2. The amusing dialogue. Example: "Wait, we're fighting over Ramona?" "Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?" "I skimmed it..."
3. It's from the director of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, which goes back to point #1: the people who made this movie are seriously cool.
4. "If you want something bad you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott. Break out the L word." "Lesbian?" "The other L word." "Lesbians?"
   
5. Michael Cera's drawings.

"Have you seen this one girl with hair like this?"

Yeah, so, when August 13th rolls around, you best believe I'm going to be at the front of that line to watch a wimpy Michael Cera kick the asses of six evil ex-boyfriends (and one ex-girlfriend, from what I've gathered from the trailer).

"Lesbians???"

And if you don't get it yet that this movie will most likely be the greatest thing since Nutella, just watch the trailer already!

The Dogg and I

Well, internet, I have walked through fire and come out unscathed. That's right, last night was the much-anticipated Snoop Dogg concert, and, with the moral support of my best friend and fellow concert buddy, I went to Pozo to see my phobia face-to-face.

This has been my cell wallpaper for the last three weeks to get me pumped for Snoop.

Well, I saw his face. There was quite a crowd between us because I have ear problems and couldn't get too close to the speakers, so I seriously doubt that the Doggfather saw my face, but still, I was there. And the party was bumpin'.

Never mind that it was already a star-studded affair. Not counting Snoop Dogg, we also saw Rebelution, a raggae band from Santa Barbara; and the legendary Ron Jeremy showed up to watch the show too.

Both Ron Jeremy and Doggy Dogg are freaks, after all.

But porn stars and semi-local bands were not what I had come to see. I had come to see the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. Although the show was set to start at 4 o'clock, he didn't come onstage until 7:48 (I checked my phone) but when he did, it was electric. To my great fortune, he did not command me to murder my mother, as I had feared. Furthermore, I discovered that his voice was far less hypnotic when drowned out by booming bass.

Instead, I hopped around to Gin and Juice, wiggled my butt to that one song he does with Akon, and sang along with Sexual Eruption.

I left the show with a much greater appreciation of Snoop and his music (also, probably a contact high). Snoop as a person is not afraid to pose the important questions, like when he asked "all the sexy ladies" if they'd ever had an orgasm, before explaining that he wanted to give us one through song by singing Sexual Eruption.

Finally, he didn't want anyone to go home without a little gem of his Snoop-wisdom, and shared with us the three things you should always do when you first get up. I thought I would share them with you. So, courtesy of Snoop Doggy Dogg, the three things you should always do when you first wake up:

1. Brush your teeth.
2. Thank God that you made it to see another day.
3. Smoke some mother-f**king weed.

Just like Snoop would do.

My BEST Jersey Shore idea EVER.

The following is an actual letter that I would email to MTV, if they had any contact info. Instead, I'll put it up here. Maybe someone from MTV will come across it. Then again, probably not. Still, at least it's up here for your benefit:

Dear MTV,

I love your show Jersey Shore. I love it more than may be decent, because I am the stereotypical bookish, took-AP-classes-in-high-school, makes-it-on-the-Dean's-list college nerd, and when I quote Snooki, my friends give me weird, uncomprehending looks. Nevertheless, I am in love with your show. Which is why I was so excited when they announced that there would be a second season.

What's not to love, really?

But here's the thing, MTV: you can't just content yourselves to moving the location. I mean, sure, you're sending the Situation to Miami, but there's only so long the nation can avidly watch fist-pumping and drunken hijinks before it gets a little stale. Which is why you need to add another element. Something completely unexpected, something completely insane (and no, the rumored new cast member is NOT GOOD ENOUGH).

You need non-guidos. You need nerds or dorks or sweet Catholic girls. I don't care, just something very unexpected, and then you need to assign them a guido/guidette mentor, kind of the way the cast guido'd Michael Cera. I want to watch what happens as Snooki tries to turn sweet little Peggy Jane into a miniature version of her Snooki-self (if it is possible to be smaller than Snooki).

Without the pouf, she barely makes it to JWOWW's boobs...

Think about it. Jersey Shore was a hit in the first place because of its novelty. Imagine if you took the novelty of those guidos and put it side-by-side with some very un-guido people who want to be guidofied. IT'S BRILLIANT.

I would be a great candidate. A California girl who likes proper grammar and the occasional Mike's Hard Lemonade, trying her best to be just like JWoWW? It's the definition of must-see tv.

So think it over, MTV. Maybe not this season, but the next, for sure. And I could get a cut of the royalties, yeah?

Victoria Billings

Oh, Spam.

It struck me as rather sad that, upon logging into my e-mail for the third time today, the only messages I had received were facebook notifications from people I hardly talk to and a desperate plea for help from some lady from my church who evidently got mugged at gunpoint while in the UK. I deleted the facebook stuff, but kept the email because, really, it was too good to pass up.

Hello

How are you doing? we had a visit to London (United Kingdom) unannounced some days back, Unfortunately we got mugged at gun point last two nights. All cash, Credit card and cellphones were stolen,It was so traumatic;Thank God we have our life and passport saved,we have been to the embassy they are not 100% helpful so i concluded that returning back home will be the best option.we also have limited means of getting out of here,as we have canceled our cards So i won’t get a new card till i get back home.I really need your support & assistance as my flight leaves in few hours,but i have problems checking out of the Hotel,as i need to sort out some bills, Wondering if you could loan me some bucks to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport.this is the number to the hotel +(SECRET)
i wait to hear from you

Kind Regards
(NAME KEPT SECRET FOR PRIVACY)

This message has a few aspects that make it endearing to me:

• First, the sender seems interested in my well-being, even though he or she can't seem to remember my name, and more importantly, HAS BEEN MUGGED. It's not even until the third sentence that a mugging comes into the picture. (Or is it the second sentence? The punctuation and flying majuscules confuse me.)
• More perplexing than the courteous nature of the e-mail, however, is the "unannounced" visit to London (which is in the United Kingdom, if you were too stupid to know). Now, I live on the West Coast of North America, so going to England? Not the most practical thing to do. Most of the people who go to England plan it months in advance and brag about it until you have to stuff cotton into your ears to keep them from bleeding.
• The best part though, is the use of the word "bucks." Subtle clues tipped me off to the fact that this was not an English-speaker writing, like the occasionally dropped article. But an entire email to say "I've been mugged! Lend me a few bucks, pal!" was just overwhelming.
  

Why I am terrified of Snoop Dogg

When I saw that Snoop Dogg was playing at the Pozo Saloon, my first reaction was to text my best friend. She texted me back three seconds later with "OMG WE'RE GOING." We live close enough to Pozo that to miss an opportunity like this would be idiotic. (And by close, I mean as close as anyone can live to Pozo, which is over an hour away.)

Still, I am determined to go, not because I am a fan of Snoop Dogg, but because I am a firm believer in facing your fears, and on my list of fears, Snoop Dogg is pretty high up there.

Right after potato bugs...

Now, you might be saying, "Vicki, you have truly out-crazied yourself here. Snoop Dogg is chill. He's always high and stuff." I know. That's exactly what my co-worker told me when I confessed my phobia to him.

(He also said, "Hey, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Answer: Fo drizzle!" I promptly hit him over the head.)

But you misunderstand my phobia. It's not so much fear of Snoop Dogg himself, but fear of his voice from which I suffer. His voice, so smooth and velvety and mesmerizing. It's the kind of voice hypnotists have. If he wanted to, I'm pretty sure he could tell me to do anything, ANYTHING and I would do it.

Oh, you want me to get naked? Cool. You want me to shoot heroine? Sure. You want me to kill my mom with this vase? No problem. You want me to dress up as a smurf and propose to fat people in Walmart? I'll get right on it.

Look at those beady eyes. He knows the power he wields.

He's even the GPS voice, now! He knows how to give directions!

If the government were really smart, they'd hire Snoop Dogg to help them brainwash sleeper cells and stuff like that, Manchurian Candidate-style (the old one, the new one kind of sucks by comparison).

Even in typing this, I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable. But I'm going to hope Snoop Dogg doesn't also hold dominion over the internet, and won't ever read this, and when I go to his concert, I'll bring earplugs along, in case I start to feel my willpower weakening.

Hairy Potter

Empire Magazine has put together a pretty cool gallery of stars in iconic photos, and, being a fan of both magazines and movies, I naturally decided to check it out. I was clicking casually through the slideshow when something stopped me dead in my tracks:

Daniel Radcliffe.


And no I was not stopped dead out of awe or admiration or unadulterated lust. I was stopped out of sheer horror. For there, peaking out of his Simon Cowell-ish man-cleavage top was a mountain of fur. And to make matters worse, Mr. Radcliffe seems to be of the opinion that if you got it, flaunt it.

Now, perhaps this is not the first time someone has made the point that the former adorable boy-wizard who won our hearts before he hit puberty is now turning into a furry beast. In fact, I'm sure someone has, because this is the internet. Nothing goes unnoticed. And that is not the thing I take issue with. There are plenty of adorable hairy people out there (I just don't go for that, sorry guys).

What I take issue with is the way he chooses to bring attention to it. For instance, compare this topless photo of Rad-Potter to the former photo:


See, far less hairy. I mean, he's got quite a happy trail, but that's okay. Those things can come in handy. But his chest doesn't look nearly as bad. You know why? Because he's not framing his blossoming manliness!

I worry, too, for dear Daniel. I mean, if his forest continues to grow, it won't be long before he starts to look like a bear. And then who knows what his movies will be like.

It's Beary Potter, everybody!

Microsoft and the Undead Menace

So, I was watching television today, as is habitual, when another one of those Windows 7 commercials came on. I don't have any real problem with them, from a commercial standpoint, besides the fact that they're pointless and boring as far as commercials go, but I do remember "Windows 7" so I guess they've done their job. Or it could just be that it's the first Windows OS that isn't followed by some string of meaningless letters in a long time. Yes, I'm talking to you, XP.


But this particular commercial caught my attention because it had zombies. Instead of some guy in his shower or some stereotypical Frenchie at an outdoor cafe, there were ZOMBIES! Which made me happy for all of three seconds. Until I watched the commercial.



I can't believe it. Not only is Microsoft giving us ads that look like they took about as much thought as whether or not to breathe, but now they're trying to convince people zombies are loving cuddly things? Seriously, Microsoft? Do you really think this is a socially responsible way to be acting?

This is the same thing that happened when Disney started releasing all those adorable nature movies with the cuddly bears and panthers. They forget the natural order of the wild is to be wild and start demonstrating in front of some government building or other to save a giant man-eating machine that could probably take their head off with one swipe.

Try this with a real bear and you're likely to end up dinner.

Now everyone's going to want to run out and hug a zombie!

I can only imagine with dread the kinds of zombie-related accidents that are going to be popping up in the news soon. Prepare yourself, Microsoft. You better have a good lawyer.