The Dogg and I

Well, internet, I have walked through fire and come out unscathed. That's right, last night was the much-anticipated Snoop Dogg concert, and, with the moral support of my best friend and fellow concert buddy, I went to Pozo to see my phobia face-to-face.

This has been my cell wallpaper for the last three weeks to get me pumped for Snoop.

Well, I saw his face. There was quite a crowd between us because I have ear problems and couldn't get too close to the speakers, so I seriously doubt that the Doggfather saw my face, but still, I was there. And the party was bumpin'.

Never mind that it was already a star-studded affair. Not counting Snoop Dogg, we also saw Rebelution, a raggae band from Santa Barbara; and the legendary Ron Jeremy showed up to watch the show too.

Both Ron Jeremy and Doggy Dogg are freaks, after all.

But porn stars and semi-local bands were not what I had come to see. I had come to see the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. Although the show was set to start at 4 o'clock, he didn't come onstage until 7:48 (I checked my phone) but when he did, it was electric. To my great fortune, he did not command me to murder my mother, as I had feared. Furthermore, I discovered that his voice was far less hypnotic when drowned out by booming bass.

Instead, I hopped around to Gin and Juice, wiggled my butt to that one song he does with Akon, and sang along with Sexual Eruption.

I left the show with a much greater appreciation of Snoop and his music (also, probably a contact high). Snoop as a person is not afraid to pose the important questions, like when he asked "all the sexy ladies" if they'd ever had an orgasm, before explaining that he wanted to give us one through song by singing Sexual Eruption.

Finally, he didn't want anyone to go home without a little gem of his Snoop-wisdom, and shared with us the three things you should always do when you first get up. I thought I would share them with you. So, courtesy of Snoop Doggy Dogg, the three things you should always do when you first wake up:

1. Brush your teeth.
2. Thank God that you made it to see another day.
3. Smoke some mother-f**king weed.

Just like Snoop would do.

Why I am terrified of Snoop Dogg

When I saw that Snoop Dogg was playing at the Pozo Saloon, my first reaction was to text my best friend. She texted me back three seconds later with "OMG WE'RE GOING." We live close enough to Pozo that to miss an opportunity like this would be idiotic. (And by close, I mean as close as anyone can live to Pozo, which is over an hour away.)

Still, I am determined to go, not because I am a fan of Snoop Dogg, but because I am a firm believer in facing your fears, and on my list of fears, Snoop Dogg is pretty high up there.

Right after potato bugs...

Now, you might be saying, "Vicki, you have truly out-crazied yourself here. Snoop Dogg is chill. He's always high and stuff." I know. That's exactly what my co-worker told me when I confessed my phobia to him.

(He also said, "Hey, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Answer: Fo drizzle!" I promptly hit him over the head.)

But you misunderstand my phobia. It's not so much fear of Snoop Dogg himself, but fear of his voice from which I suffer. His voice, so smooth and velvety and mesmerizing. It's the kind of voice hypnotists have. If he wanted to, I'm pretty sure he could tell me to do anything, ANYTHING and I would do it.

Oh, you want me to get naked? Cool. You want me to shoot heroine? Sure. You want me to kill my mom with this vase? No problem. You want me to dress up as a smurf and propose to fat people in Walmart? I'll get right on it.

Look at those beady eyes. He knows the power he wields.

He's even the GPS voice, now! He knows how to give directions!

If the government were really smart, they'd hire Snoop Dogg to help them brainwash sleeper cells and stuff like that, Manchurian Candidate-style (the old one, the new one kind of sucks by comparison).

Even in typing this, I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable. But I'm going to hope Snoop Dogg doesn't also hold dominion over the internet, and won't ever read this, and when I go to his concert, I'll bring earplugs along, in case I start to feel my willpower weakening.