Hey, internet, what do you get when you cross 90s rap with Jesus?
No, this isn't a bad joke. Stop giving me that look. It's a serious query. Well, more like mildly serious rhetorical question.
Give up?
The Gospel of Marky Mark!
In an entirely unusual stroke of genius, I (accompanied by my roomie and fearless adventure-buddy) have started a blog that is entirely the Gospel of Mark translated into 90s rap euphemisms, mostly inspired by the iconic classic "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
Right now, we've got the first eight verses posted, though there's more to come. Give us time. Translating from biblical to gangsta is just a little challenging for a bookish white girl.
If you did come expecting poor jokes though, I do have a few:
What do you call a psychic midget escaped from jail? A small medium at large!
What do you call a bison with no friends? A buffaloner!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a garden? Herb!
Showing posts with label rap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rap. Show all posts
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Dogg and I
Well, internet, I have walked through fire and come out unscathed. That's right, last night was the much-anticipated Snoop Dogg concert, and, with the moral support of my best friend and fellow concert buddy, I went to Pozo to see my phobia face-to-face.
This has been my cell wallpaper for the last three weeks to get me pumped for Snoop.
Well, I saw his face. There was quite a crowd between us because I have ear problems and couldn't get too close to the speakers, so I seriously doubt that the Doggfather saw my face, but still, I was there. And the party was bumpin'.
Never mind that it was already a star-studded affair. Not counting Snoop Dogg, we also saw Rebelution, a raggae band from Santa Barbara; and the legendary Ron Jeremy showed up to watch the show too.
Both Ron Jeremy and Doggy Dogg are freaks, after all.
But porn stars and semi-local bands were not what I had come to see. I had come to see the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. Although the show was set to start at 4 o'clock, he didn't come onstage until 7:48 (I checked my phone) but when he did, it was electric. To my great fortune, he did not command me to murder my mother, as I had feared. Furthermore, I discovered that his voice was far less hypnotic when drowned out by booming bass.
Instead, I hopped around to Gin and Juice, wiggled my butt to that one song he does with Akon, and sang along with Sexual Eruption.
I left the show with a much greater appreciation of Snoop and his music (also, probably a contact high). Snoop as a person is not afraid to pose the important questions, like when he asked "all the sexy ladies" if they'd ever had an orgasm, before explaining that he wanted to give us one through song by singing Sexual Eruption.
Finally, he didn't want anyone to go home without a little gem of his Snoop-wisdom, and shared with us the three things you should always do when you first get up. I thought I would share them with you. So, courtesy of Snoop Doggy Dogg, the three things you should always do when you first wake up:
Just like Snoop would do.
This has been my cell wallpaper for the last three weeks to get me pumped for Snoop.Well, I saw his face. There was quite a crowd between us because I have ear problems and couldn't get too close to the speakers, so I seriously doubt that the Doggfather saw my face, but still, I was there. And the party was bumpin'.
Never mind that it was already a star-studded affair. Not counting Snoop Dogg, we also saw Rebelution, a raggae band from Santa Barbara; and the legendary Ron Jeremy showed up to watch the show too.
Both Ron Jeremy and Doggy Dogg are freaks, after all.But porn stars and semi-local bands were not what I had come to see. I had come to see the one and only Snoop Doggy Dogg. Although the show was set to start at 4 o'clock, he didn't come onstage until 7:48 (I checked my phone) but when he did, it was electric. To my great fortune, he did not command me to murder my mother, as I had feared. Furthermore, I discovered that his voice was far less hypnotic when drowned out by booming bass.
Instead, I hopped around to Gin and Juice, wiggled my butt to that one song he does with Akon, and sang along with Sexual Eruption.
I left the show with a much greater appreciation of Snoop and his music (also, probably a contact high). Snoop as a person is not afraid to pose the important questions, like when he asked "all the sexy ladies" if they'd ever had an orgasm, before explaining that he wanted to give us one through song by singing Sexual Eruption.
Finally, he didn't want anyone to go home without a little gem of his Snoop-wisdom, and shared with us the three things you should always do when you first get up. I thought I would share them with you. So, courtesy of Snoop Doggy Dogg, the three things you should always do when you first wake up:
- Brush your teeth.
- Thank God that you made it to see another day.
- Smoke some mother-f**king weed.
Just like Snoop would do.Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Why I am terrified of Snoop Dogg
When I saw that Snoop Dogg was playing at the Pozo Saloon, my first reaction was to text my best friend. She texted me back three seconds later with "OMG WE'RE GOING." We live close enough to Pozo that to miss an opportunity like this would be idiotic. (And by close, I mean as close as anyone can live to Pozo, which is over an hour away.)
Still, I am determined to go, not because I am a fan of Snoop Dogg, but because I am a firm believer in facing your fears, and on my list of fears, Snoop Dogg is pretty high up there.
Right after potato bugs...
Now, you might be saying, "Vicki, you have truly out-crazied yourself here. Snoop Dogg is chill. He's always high and stuff." I know. That's exactly what my co-worker told me when I confessed my phobia to him.
(He also said, "Hey, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Answer: Fo drizzle!" I promptly hit him over the head.)
But you misunderstand my phobia. It's not so much fear of Snoop Dogg himself, but fear of his voice from which I suffer. His voice, so smooth and velvety and mesmerizing. It's the kind of voice hypnotists have. If he wanted to, I'm pretty sure he could tell me to do anything, ANYTHING and I would do it.
Oh, you want me to get naked? Cool. You want me to shoot heroine? Sure. You want me to kill my mom with this vase? No problem. You want me to dress up as a smurf and propose to fat people in Walmart? I'll get right on it.
Look at those beady eyes. He knows the power he wields.
He's even the GPS voice, now! He knows how to give directions!
If the government were really smart, they'd hire Snoop Dogg to help them brainwash sleeper cells and stuff like that, Manchurian Candidate-style (the old one, the new one kind of sucks by comparison).
Even in typing this, I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable. But I'm going to hope Snoop Dogg doesn't also hold dominion over the internet, and won't ever read this, and when I go to his concert, I'll bring earplugs along, in case I start to feel my willpower weakening.
Still, I am determined to go, not because I am a fan of Snoop Dogg, but because I am a firm believer in facing your fears, and on my list of fears, Snoop Dogg is pretty high up there.
Right after potato bugs...Now, you might be saying, "Vicki, you have truly out-crazied yourself here. Snoop Dogg is chill. He's always high and stuff." I know. That's exactly what my co-worker told me when I confessed my phobia to him.
(He also said, "Hey, why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Answer: Fo drizzle!" I promptly hit him over the head.)But you misunderstand my phobia. It's not so much fear of Snoop Dogg himself, but fear of his voice from which I suffer. His voice, so smooth and velvety and mesmerizing. It's the kind of voice hypnotists have. If he wanted to, I'm pretty sure he could tell me to do anything, ANYTHING and I would do it.
Oh, you want me to get naked? Cool. You want me to shoot heroine? Sure. You want me to kill my mom with this vase? No problem. You want me to dress up as a smurf and propose to fat people in Walmart? I'll get right on it.
Look at those beady eyes. He knows the power he wields.He's even the GPS voice, now! He knows how to give directions!
If the government were really smart, they'd hire Snoop Dogg to help them brainwash sleeper cells and stuff like that, Manchurian Candidate-style (the old one, the new one kind of sucks by comparison).
Even in typing this, I know I'm leaving myself vulnerable. But I'm going to hope Snoop Dogg doesn't also hold dominion over the internet, and won't ever read this, and when I go to his concert, I'll bring earplugs along, in case I start to feel my willpower weakening.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Welcome to my rodeo (an open letter to T-Pain)
Dear T-Pain,
How do you do it?
To be honest, I wasn't familiar with your general body of work before I saw "I'm On a Boat," and I wasn't really that much more familiar with your body of work afterward either (although I'll admit I watched "I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper)" but that's really all). Still, your long dreads were intriguing, and so when I saw that you had a new video out, "Reverse Cowgirl," I obviously clicked play.
First off, starting the song with a thirty-second series of ehs, oohs, and naws was sheer genius. I didn't even have to pay attention to the lyrics, but could permit myself to be mesmerized by your incredible man-locks.
Glorious.
And then you started singing words! My mind was blown. The extended metaphor comparing sex to a rodeo was effortless. I especially appreciated the "giddy-up, giddy-up!" background vocals. The best part of the song didn't come until the bridge though, when you revealed, "Imma saddle up my baby, hold on to her tight and go 'boom-boom-boom-boom-boom' for eight seconds long!"
To put it bluntly, you fascinate me, T-Pain. So I did some research. If Wikipedia can be trusted, you have three kids: Lyriq, Muziq, and Kaydnz Koda, all of which proves you have obviously studied music at least a little, something which cannot be said for all musicians nowadays. However, I'm left to doubt whether or not you finished middle school. Then again, even if your kids do get teased about their alternatively spelled names, mentioning that their father is T-Pain will probably put a swift end to any playground chagrin they may face.
So how do you do it, T-Pain? How do you manage to wrap up so much incredible in your little auto-tuned masterpieces? My guess is you're hiding the genius in your chunky hair tentacles.
Sincerely,
Vicki
P.S. And for those of you who AREN'T T-Pain or who haven't seen the video, it's right here:
How do you do it?
To be honest, I wasn't familiar with your general body of work before I saw "I'm On a Boat," and I wasn't really that much more familiar with your body of work afterward either (although I'll admit I watched "I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper)" but that's really all). Still, your long dreads were intriguing, and so when I saw that you had a new video out, "Reverse Cowgirl," I obviously clicked play.
First off, starting the song with a thirty-second series of ehs, oohs, and naws was sheer genius. I didn't even have to pay attention to the lyrics, but could permit myself to be mesmerized by your incredible man-locks.
Glorious.And then you started singing words! My mind was blown. The extended metaphor comparing sex to a rodeo was effortless. I especially appreciated the "giddy-up, giddy-up!" background vocals. The best part of the song didn't come until the bridge though, when you revealed, "Imma saddle up my baby, hold on to her tight and go 'boom-boom-boom-boom-boom' for eight seconds long!"
To put it bluntly, you fascinate me, T-Pain. So I did some research. If Wikipedia can be trusted, you have three kids: Lyriq, Muziq, and Kaydnz Koda, all of which proves you have obviously studied music at least a little, something which cannot be said for all musicians nowadays. However, I'm left to doubt whether or not you finished middle school. Then again, even if your kids do get teased about their alternatively spelled names, mentioning that their father is T-Pain will probably put a swift end to any playground chagrin they may face.
So how do you do it, T-Pain? How do you manage to wrap up so much incredible in your little auto-tuned masterpieces? My guess is you're hiding the genius in your chunky hair tentacles.
Sincerely,
Vicki
P.S. And for those of you who AREN'T T-Pain or who haven't seen the video, it's right here:
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