United Colors of Booty-ton

Hey, leggings girls!

Stop wearing leggings with nothing but a t-shirt! It looks stupid! Your bum is all-hanging out there, and it makes everyone feel awkward, believe me.


And I'm not saying this to be mean, honest. I know how you feel. I too am often a victim of trends. I wore tight midriff shirts in the early 2000's, and thought I looked great. But I was an eleven-year-old girl, not Jessica Alba, and could not pull off the look and greatly regret it now.

Which is why I am telling you before it is too late:

This leggings/t-shirt thing? It's just a fad. You will look back on it in ten years just as your mother looks back on her eighties prom disaster, with chagrin.

Yes, I realize that shirtdresses exist. And actually, they can look very good with leggings underneath. But that does not mean all t-shirts can be used as dresses. Nor do skinny jeans advocate even skinnier leggings. Because let me tell you, there is a big difference between showing off your pegs in a pair of jeans and looking like a naked orange thing.

Like thus.

I don't want to see your butt. You won't either. Trust me. It's for your own good.

Stephen Colbert Must Be Stopped!

I like Stephen Colbert. He's got incredibly independent eyebrows, an abrasive interview style, and he changed the pronunciation of his last name for show biz, which are all things I can admire. Also, I find him inexplicably attractive. Maybe it's his bottomless brown eyes. I love the way he blinks.

Who wouldn't find this attractive???

But he must pay for what he has done.

Why? Because he's going to astronaut training! On Thursday's episode of the Colbert Report, he announced that not only did he save NASA from Obama's budget cuts, but now, in gratitude, NASA has invited him to Houston for astronaut training!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Stephen Saves the Space Program
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

This is unjust. This is unjust and unfair and for once in my life, I cannot just look into Stephen Colbert's dark, dreamy brown eyes to make the hurt go away. Because if anyone deserves to go to Houston, it's me.

Yes, I know I'm not exactly in prime astronaut physical condition. And I know I know very little (nothing) about aeronautics. But there is no one in the world who loves space and astronauts more than I do.

Evidence:

• Before I could read, my bedtime stories were Isaac Asimov's Caves of Steel novels with R. Daneel Olivaw and Elijah Baley.
• After I learned to read, I moved up to The Foundation Trilogy.
• Friday nights are for pizza and Star Trek. It started with TNG, but now I'll watch anything except Enterprise, because everyone knows Enterprise sucks.
• I used to pray to God for the TARDIS to land in my backyard so Tom Baker could take me to other planets and times.
• I love the Mars specials on Discovery. I want us to make a colony there, and if we do, I volunteer to be the first journalist on another planet!
• Vacation in Florida meant skipping Seaworld to go see Cape Canaveral. And touch moon rocks.
• "Gifted" by N.A.S.A. is #1 in my Top 25 Most Played list on my iTunes (and, coincidentally, the best song IN THE WORLD).
• I have an entire blog specifically pointing out the fact that I am a huge SPACE CADET.

Colbert already got a space-treadmill named after him! Isn't that enough?

So please, NASA, take me instead of Colbert! Or at least, Colbert, could you take me with you?

The BLUE PEOPLE are here!

I know Avatar was popular, but I didn't realize how until I found out that people were dying themselves blue. Like Na'vi. Or Smurfs.

Okay, so I'm only half telling the truth. Nobody (that I know of) has gone so far as to dye themselves blue for the purpose of looking like a Na'vi (some guy did get this tattoo, though). But there really are people with blue skin! It turns out the skin disease is called argyria, which can result from consuming too much silver.

You have to admit there is some resemblance here...

Not that Avatar fever has died down much. Netflix keeps nagging me to put it on my "save" queue, even though I've seen it twice, Netflix! And you can also learn Na'vi online if you feel that Klingon and Elvish aren't exciting enough.

Evidently Hollywood is working on a new Smurf movie, with Katie Perry playing Smurfette (I can just picture all the guys flocking to the movie theaters now...) and I know you're thinking okay, yeah, sure, Smurfs are blue, Na'vi are blue, whatevs? Whales are blue. Does that mean Avatar was a rip-off of 2002's Whale Rider? (hint: no)

But here's the most crucial part:

The new Smurf movie is going to be made in 3-D! It's pretty much an Avatar sequel! Or at least, that's the way I choose to see it. I just don't know how many tattoos it will inspire.

Welcome to my rodeo (an open letter to T-Pain)

Dear T-Pain,

How do you do it?

To be honest, I wasn't familiar with your general body of work before I saw "I'm On a Boat," and I wasn't really that much more familiar with your body of work afterward either (although I'll admit I watched "I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper)" but that's really all). Still, your long dreads were intriguing, and so when I saw that you had a new video out, "Reverse Cowgirl," I obviously clicked play.

First off, starting the song with a thirty-second series of ehs, oohs, and naws was sheer genius. I didn't even have to pay attention to the lyrics, but could permit myself to be mesmerized by your incredible man-locks.

Glorious.

And then you started singing words! My mind was blown. The extended metaphor comparing sex to a rodeo was effortless. I especially appreciated the "giddy-up, giddy-up!" background vocals. The best part of the song didn't come until the bridge though, when you revealed, "Imma saddle up my baby, hold on to her tight and go 'boom-boom-boom-boom-boom' for eight seconds long!"

To put it bluntly, you fascinate me, T-Pain. So I did some research. If Wikipedia can be trusted, you have three kids: Lyriq, Muziq, and Kaydnz Koda, all of which proves you have obviously studied music at least a little, something which cannot be said for all musicians nowadays. However, I'm left to doubt whether or not you finished middle school. Then again, even if your kids do get teased about their alternatively spelled names, mentioning that their father is T-Pain will probably put a swift end to any playground chagrin they may face.

So how do you do it, T-Pain? How do you manage to wrap up so much incredible in your little auto-tuned masterpieces? My guess is you're hiding the genius in your chunky hair tentacles.

Sincerely,
Vicki

P.S. And for those of you who AREN'T T-Pain or who haven't seen the video, it's right here:

And thus began her glorious venture into the infinity that is the Web!

Hello, internet.

My name is Vicki. If you hadn't gathered that much by now, I'm extremely disappointed in you. This is, as you should probably also know, my blog. Brand spankin' new and waiting to be filled with all sorts of pointless ramblings.

As you probably also know, if you are at all internet-aware, it's rather impossible to have a first blog-post that is at all interesting or pertinent. So I've decided just to get this terrible and unavoidable obstacle out of the way so I can move onto better things.

On the bright side, I finally found a name for this thing.

And now back to Doctor Who: The Robots of Death.

Vicki