Hairy Potter

Empire Magazine has put together a pretty cool gallery of stars in iconic photos, and, being a fan of both magazines and movies, I naturally decided to check it out. I was clicking casually through the slideshow when something stopped me dead in my tracks:

Daniel Radcliffe.


And no I was not stopped dead out of awe or admiration or unadulterated lust. I was stopped out of sheer horror. For there, peaking out of his Simon Cowell-ish man-cleavage top was a mountain of fur. And to make matters worse, Mr. Radcliffe seems to be of the opinion that if you got it, flaunt it.

Now, perhaps this is not the first time someone has made the point that the former adorable boy-wizard who won our hearts before he hit puberty is now turning into a furry beast. In fact, I'm sure someone has, because this is the internet. Nothing goes unnoticed. And that is not the thing I take issue with. There are plenty of adorable hairy people out there (I just don't go for that, sorry guys).

What I take issue with is the way he chooses to bring attention to it. For instance, compare this topless photo of Rad-Potter to the former photo:


See, far less hairy. I mean, he's got quite a happy trail, but that's okay. Those things can come in handy. But his chest doesn't look nearly as bad. You know why? Because he's not framing his blossoming manliness!

I worry, too, for dear Daniel. I mean, if his forest continues to grow, it won't be long before he starts to look like a bear. And then who knows what his movies will be like.

It's Beary Potter, everybody!

Microsoft and the Undead Menace

So, I was watching television today, as is habitual, when another one of those Windows 7 commercials came on. I don't have any real problem with them, from a commercial standpoint, besides the fact that they're pointless and boring as far as commercials go, but I do remember "Windows 7" so I guess they've done their job. Or it could just be that it's the first Windows OS that isn't followed by some string of meaningless letters in a long time. Yes, I'm talking to you, XP.


But this particular commercial caught my attention because it had zombies. Instead of some guy in his shower or some stereotypical Frenchie at an outdoor cafe, there were ZOMBIES! Which made me happy for all of three seconds. Until I watched the commercial.



I can't believe it. Not only is Microsoft giving us ads that look like they took about as much thought as whether or not to breathe, but now they're trying to convince people zombies are loving cuddly things? Seriously, Microsoft? Do you really think this is a socially responsible way to be acting?

This is the same thing that happened when Disney started releasing all those adorable nature movies with the cuddly bears and panthers. They forget the natural order of the wild is to be wild and start demonstrating in front of some government building or other to save a giant man-eating machine that could probably take their head off with one swipe.

Try this with a real bear and you're likely to end up dinner.

Now everyone's going to want to run out and hug a zombie!

I can only imagine with dread the kinds of zombie-related accidents that are going to be popping up in the news soon. Prepare yourself, Microsoft. You better have a good lawyer.

The "Vampyre" Diary and other such rot

Since when did fan fiction count as valid literature? I thought it was something found only on the internet, in fan magazines, and (in its raciest form) scribbled in notebooks hidden beneath beds.

And this is why I never let my mother clean out under my bed...

Now however, it seems that if your fan fiction involves Mr. Darcy, that pompous hottie from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice then you're almost guaranteed a book deal.

I was first struck with shock while wandering Barnes & Noble looking for the latest Stieg Larsson novel and noticed this ridiculousness on the shelves:

"As the golden summer draws to a close and the Darcys look ahead to the end of their first year of marriage, Mr. Darcy could never have imagined his love could grow even deeper with the passage of time..." Thanks, Amazon.com

Okay, I thought, no big deal. Until I found the book I was looking for and, walking to the checkout, saw this:
Not only did Ms. Amanda Grange have a "vampyre" novel about Mr. Darcy, but she has written the fictional diaries of Darcy, Knightley, Colonel Brandon, and several other Austen heartthrobs to boot.

And apparently combining Pride and Prejudice with Twilight is good business practice, because Amanda Grange was not the only one churning out this kind of ridiculousness. Regina Jeffers has written Vampire Darcy's Desire: A Pride and Prejudice Adaptation. And I don't have time to list all the other Pride and Prejudice knockoffs I found on Amazon (you can look it up yourself).

I'm sure the resemblance is purely coincidental.

Look, girls, I know you want a boyfriend. Someone romantic and sensitive and mysterious who love you for who you are and who finds you irresistibly sexy (and for some reason wants to suck your blood). But buying every Austen fan fiction you get your hands on is not going to get you any closer to that Mr. Darcy of your own. If anything, it's just going to drive him away. Because from what I remember of the character (from the original novel), he doesn't really like boy-crazy ladies who spend all their free time mooning after any guy that gives them the time of day.

This level of lusting after a completely fictional character who lived in a fictional England 200 YEARS AGO just makes me want to bash my head against a wall repeatedly. Except that that would lead to brain damage. And then I might actually want to read these books.

At least I bought The Girl Who Played With Fire. That is some small consolation. Oh, Stieg Larsson, why did you have to die so suddenly after turning in your manuscripts for the Millenium trilogy? Well, at least you finished them. I'll have to content myself with that.

The Doctor is IN

I've been avoiding it for a while now, but it can't be avoided forever. I knew it would come to this, as I am such a huge Doctor Who fan, and of course Matt Smith recently debuted as the new Doctor.


So here I am at last, sitting down at my computer to review Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor.

First off, I'll say that I was a little skeptical. Matt Smith is, at 28, the youngest actor to ever take on the role of "Doctor." I started watching Doctor Who when I was eight, and the episodes I watched were of a Doctor in his forties (well, five-hundreds, but he looked like he was in his forties). Really, he's not that much older than Robert Pattinson, and I worried that such a young face would turn one of my favorite shows of all time into a time-traveling Twilight. Or something just as awful.

But after watching a few minutes of "The Eleventh Hour," Matt Smith's first appearance as the Doctor (if you don't count those ten seconds at the end of "The End of Time Part II") I was pleasantly surprised by his maturity. And here I was expecting some annoying pretty boy.

Matt Smith brings a new level of butt-kicking ferocity different from that of his predecessor. When David Tennant got serious, it just made me want to hold him and coo, "There there, it'll be all right, poor lonely Time Lord." Matt Smith's serious seems far more dangerous. His "don't mess with me look" has already struck fear into the hearts of aliens on multiple occasions.

And yet he still manages to balance in the quirky Doctor we have all come to love (unless you've never seen Doctor Who, in which case, why aren't you watching it right now???). His young age even works to his advantage in the boy-like excitement he brings to each episode. In just a few episodes, he has eaten custard and fish sticks, stolen clothes from a hospital, attacked the Daleks with a wrench, and knocked out a robot with a clumsy uppercut. And evidently, he and the hysterical James Corden will be dressing up in football shorts in a coming episode...

Not to mention he looks super cool in sunglasses.

A lot of the credit for the quality of the episodes does have to go to Steven Moffat (the genius behind "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead," "The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances" and the scariest Doctor Who episode ever, "Blink"). Moffat was the perfect writer to introduce Smith to fans, as he, better than anyone else, knows how to WRITE Doctor Who, for fans both old and new.

To top it off, the TARDIS is new and improved. As much as I loved David Tennant, I missed the TARDIS of old (really old, as in, 1970s era old). And now the TARDIS is revamped, with a telephone, hot and cold faucet knobs, and lots of other shiny gadgets. Not to mention levels. I just can't wait to see what's happening next week. Also, TARDIS PRETTY.